These past couple of weeks have been cuh-razy.

I've been completely drenched in the cleansing power of Christ, which doesn't always feel amazing. But this past week during lecture series, I was super convicted that unless I have everything out of the way and am willing to obey no matter what the cost, I can't do what I've been created to do. God has amazing things in store for all of us, and He prepares us for those beautiful things. Sometimes the preparation looks like a mountain too big to climb....nah :)

This is what I'm learning, even though it's painful sometimes :) My soul rests on this passage:

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
    my hope comes from him.

Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. 

My salvation and my honor depend on God;
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, you people;
    pour out your hearts to him,
    for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5-8

Oh, the journey.

Laramie

You Are Free

So, my latest struggle (okay, ONE of my latest) has been this unnecessary weight that I've been carrying around. It's one of shame, guilt, and many other emotions that come and go depending on what setting I'm in, how much time I've spent with the Lord, etc. The ironic thing, is that it's not that I haven't given these things up to the Lord that I feel shame for, or haven't brought them into the light. The problem is that even though I've given them to the Lord and received forgiveness, I'm still standing there holding onto them.

This is the part where we are supposed to let go. The part where we take a long walk in the freedom that Jesus has given us.

But we don't. I don't. And this week I feel like Memphis weather-- back and forth, up and down, it's never what it seems, and when it is what it seems something still feels weird.

We are reading Dug Down Deep by Joshua Harris right now in one of my classes, and he has mentioned a couple of times the freedom and forgiveness found in Christ. And it occurred to me yesterday, that I have full permission to run forward with not an ounce of guilt or shame, forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead.
                            But. I don't do it. And most of the time I feel like I can't. I don't deserve it, I can't allow myself to accept it.

So this entire weekend has been full of taking every thought captive, attempting to live free from the past and free from the guilt and shame that the enemy bombards me with. It isn't mine. Not anymore at least. I've come to God so many times asking Him to take these things away. And His answer is always the same, "I already have." But I keep picking them up, then putting them down, then picking them up and wondering why I still feel like nothing has changed. Let me just say that trusting that the Lord has cast all the things I've done as far as the east is from the west is one of the hardest things. But it's true, and I have every freedom to live tomorrow completely different from today.

"We are called to trust him, to rest in his work, and through that trusting to receive all that he has accomplished." ~ Joshua Harris

Laramie

And we're back

Wow this week went by fast. It's amazing how when we finally slow down.....time speeds up. Yes? I have been so thankful for this week of rest. The Lord has taught my heart a lot of things this week, but I think the biggest thing has been trust. Trust. All the time.

He knows His will. He knows His plans for my life. Pressure's off now :)

Laramie

Your Daddy Loves You

Every year the college goes on a small retreat at the beginning of February to spend time together and commune with the Lord. This past year the retreat came one week after the loss of our brother Sean Reeder. It was amazing how the Lord took care of us during that time and walked with each of us at our own pace. There is a moment in time, a Kairos moment, that I will never forget during that retreat. Kairos means fullness of time, and when the Lord decides to break your normal routine in life, no matter what aspect we're talking about, He creates a moment that is full, and a moment that is memorable, to teach you something.
The second to last night at retreat we had an amazing worship time and the Lord was doing some great work in all of us. There came a point during the worship where the presence of the Lord was so heavy, and the words being brought forward were so powerful. Someone came up to the front and addressed specific physical ailments that God wanted to heal. One of them was "trouble breathing", which I knew related to me. Anyone who was struggling with things that were being spoken raised there hands. I was fairly hesitant to bring any attention to myself, because I knew that the Lord wanted to meet with me, but I wasn't willing. I am caught daily warring against myself and regularly brought to point of forcing myself to do something, with every fiber of my being pulling the opposite way. I raised my hand and just sat there with my head down, arm in the air. I knew that if there was anyone to come over and pray with me, I had one person in particular on my heart. But I let it go and knew that whoever the Lord had in mind would be perfect.

           Apparently the person on my heart was there for a purpose.

Not even 10 seconds later, Ben Banti is standing in front of me with his hand out. Now, I'm sobbing, so I'm out of my mind and too broken to do anything but grab his hand and just cry. "Stand up" is all he said. As soon as I pull myself up he was kind enough to let me completely drench his sweater with tears. A few minutes pass, and all Ben has to say is this:

                      "Your daddy loves you."

When I look back on this Kairos moment, as much as it was a great teacher and friend holding me up, I was being held by my Father. And those words broke some kind of dam in my heart that just made me weep. Out loud.
It's been such a hard thing for me, to think about the love of God. I can preach it to anyone, but I cannot go there with my own heart. Hearing it in an audible voice through Ben, from God was the most painful and amazing thing all at the same time. This was the only thing Ben said for about 10 minutes.
     
                     Then he made me say it.

Nope. Absolutely not. I told him I couldn't, I didn't believe it, "it's too hard." But we were going nowhere until I did ~ so began the wait. As I'm thinking about this it feels like we were standing there forever waiting for me to get those words out of my mouth. But as soon as I could...."again...." So I'd say it again. "Say it louder...." so I'd say it louder.

I think before this moment I would have rather stuck duck tape to my arm and ripped it off....

I've received homework during breaks, but I wasn't expecting an assignment during a retreat :) And though I don't do a great job with consistency, I am able to remind myself that "my daddy loves me." This I will be saying until I believe it, this I will believe until eternity's over :)

Kairos- fullness of time. The Moment: When the Lord breaks your daily routine- thinking, doing, saying- to show you something different.

Psalm 139

~ Laramie

Well This Is Weird....

So, running sound.

........

my thoughts exactly.

This was our topic last Thursday, making sure we know how to plug everything in, turn everything on, EQ things.....and then un-EQ things, turn everything off, and unplug. Right. Got it.

Can I just say, that the thing I am probably worst at, ever, in all of time, is knowing what everything is called and how everything works in the sound world. The soundboard looks like Chinese Checkers on crack and then, all those little knobs have names. Those names mean things that are very important....and if I knew what they all meant, maybe I'd find them important too :) I have deep respect for the people that know all the in's and out's of running sound, because the Lord knows how much feedback we'd all be experiencing if I ran sound for a day :)

All I can say that I learned is this:

         "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

a.men.

~Laramie

He took my heart on a date.

This morning couldn't have been more perfect. I do need to confess, I watched church online. BUT, it is my church in Chicago, a message that blessed my heart :)

That's not the point, however. Even though my morning was blessed by sleeping in, a cup (well, I'm on my second, don't judge) of coffee, and an online sermon, what really took my heart on a date was reading from My Utmost For His Highest. Coolest. Book. Ever. I am in love, and what Oswald Chambers has to say every time I open it just fills me with conviction. Still not the point, though. The scripture that he was focused on today was 2 Corinthians 10:5....

                      "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Man o' man. This past worship meeting we had on Thursday was all about leadership. And really, it's impossible to be a good leader without the experience and heart of a follower. Let me take it a step further and say that I, personally, will never reach my potential as a follower or leader in Christ, if I can't learn to take my thoughts captive, and make them obedient to the One I am following and leading people to. Every thought. Every single one. Heck, I read the entire chapter and I recommend reading it daily. Paul goes on to say later in the chapter, "let him who boasts boast in the Lord." Ah, yes, because nothing I do successfully is successful without the Lord. I can't take credit for anything, and if I do, then I am neither a leader, nor a follower--I'm off on my own tangent in life trying to figure out why nothing works out when I try to be obedient, and nothing works out when I try to lead other members of the body. Because it was never about Laramie in the first place:)

It is my prayer that I can learn to be a better follower of Christ. Not just in the devotional, servant, worshiping aspect of following...but letting everything I say and do be of the Lord, honoring to the Lord, imprisoned for the Lord, and in worship to the Lord. That is the mindset I need to have, for the life I want to live.

~Laramie

Ironically....

So, I'm leading worship on Thursday morning. Yep. Super excited and yet incredibly nervous. I get nervous.......I can't help it. But even more ridiculous than the fact that I'm fidgety-- the theme.

Last Monday morning, Planning Center......I totally pouted. I'm a pouter sometimes when I feel like the Lord just totally forgot about me. The theme for this week's worship is "Responsibility- Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually." I'm just going to be honest, my first reaction:

                          ".....what....."

I seriously thought it was so lame. I couldn't understand how I would pull a worship set from that kind of a theme, how I would relate, what I would focus on specifically, you know... So there I was. Pouting. And it took me a few days to understand how perfect this was for me- how beautifully put together this was by the One who knows me inside and out. I've been dealing with a lot of internal struggles lately, just weeding things out with the Lord and walking through some valleys that I created myself. And it occurred to me a few days after I finally got some songs into the set, that I hadn't been responsible with my relationship with the Lord. And it was perfect. A dark place I had just left was now being used to create a moment of worship in which I could totally relate and understand.

                                 Hello.

So, all that to say, I totally resisted in the beginning and let my pride overcome what I thought the Lord was capable of. Nothing happens on accident, nothing is coincidence. He looks at my heart, He sees me. And He knows even better than I do what I need, what I think, where I'm at, and how the things I've experienced in my life can be used for His glory. It's so toxic for us when we hold onto the things that we think we can control, or think we know better than the God of the universe, when all we need to do is open clenched fists and let Him teach us, mold us, shape us, and love us.

That. Simple.


"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2
~Laramie
                         

New blog :) I have to say, Thursday was a great day when I found out that blogging would be the main portion of our grade for a worship class this year. How.Great.Is.My.School. I love having this outlet to share what the Lord is doing in my life and I get so inconsistent, so writing here on a regular basis will be incredibly healthy for me.

The Lord has been hunting me down for some time now, but I've been avoiding Him like no one's business. And now at the beginning of the school year I am finally in a place where I am ready to listen to Him, and sort through all of my weaknesses and struggles with the One who knows me best. I want to get back to true worship, which has absolutely nothing to do with music and lyrics, buildings and stages, or bible studies and sermons. But it has everything to do with walking like Christ, and sacrificing daily for the love. 

My hope this year is that I learn to be constantly filled with the Spirit. I tend to decide otherwise, but I long to be like David, who was constantly pouring out his heart to God and to others, because he knew and understood the relationship he had with the Father, and the meaning of fellowship with other believers. I love the verse in Jeremiah 29, which talks about the Lord's plans for us and the hope we have in Him. But what I love even more, is the scripture that follows says this:
                  " 'Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart. I will be found by you', declares the Lord..."

I love it. "When you seek me with all your heart. All of it. This is my desire, to seek Him with all of my heart, so that I can find all of Him, to be all-consumed... 

I hope that what the Lord shares with me each week is something that will impact more than just my heart, but others as well :)
               
~Laramie