Your Daddy Loves You

Every year the college goes on a small retreat at the beginning of February to spend time together and commune with the Lord. This past year the retreat came one week after the loss of our brother Sean Reeder. It was amazing how the Lord took care of us during that time and walked with each of us at our own pace. There is a moment in time, a Kairos moment, that I will never forget during that retreat. Kairos means fullness of time, and when the Lord decides to break your normal routine in life, no matter what aspect we're talking about, He creates a moment that is full, and a moment that is memorable, to teach you something.
The second to last night at retreat we had an amazing worship time and the Lord was doing some great work in all of us. There came a point during the worship where the presence of the Lord was so heavy, and the words being brought forward were so powerful. Someone came up to the front and addressed specific physical ailments that God wanted to heal. One of them was "trouble breathing", which I knew related to me. Anyone who was struggling with things that were being spoken raised there hands. I was fairly hesitant to bring any attention to myself, because I knew that the Lord wanted to meet with me, but I wasn't willing. I am caught daily warring against myself and regularly brought to point of forcing myself to do something, with every fiber of my being pulling the opposite way. I raised my hand and just sat there with my head down, arm in the air. I knew that if there was anyone to come over and pray with me, I had one person in particular on my heart. But I let it go and knew that whoever the Lord had in mind would be perfect.

           Apparently the person on my heart was there for a purpose.

Not even 10 seconds later, Ben Banti is standing in front of me with his hand out. Now, I'm sobbing, so I'm out of my mind and too broken to do anything but grab his hand and just cry. "Stand up" is all he said. As soon as I pull myself up he was kind enough to let me completely drench his sweater with tears. A few minutes pass, and all Ben has to say is this:

                      "Your daddy loves you."

When I look back on this Kairos moment, as much as it was a great teacher and friend holding me up, I was being held by my Father. And those words broke some kind of dam in my heart that just made me weep. Out loud.
It's been such a hard thing for me, to think about the love of God. I can preach it to anyone, but I cannot go there with my own heart. Hearing it in an audible voice through Ben, from God was the most painful and amazing thing all at the same time. This was the only thing Ben said for about 10 minutes.
     
                     Then he made me say it.

Nope. Absolutely not. I told him I couldn't, I didn't believe it, "it's too hard." But we were going nowhere until I did ~ so began the wait. As I'm thinking about this it feels like we were standing there forever waiting for me to get those words out of my mouth. But as soon as I could...."again...." So I'd say it again. "Say it louder...." so I'd say it louder.

I think before this moment I would have rather stuck duck tape to my arm and ripped it off....

I've received homework during breaks, but I wasn't expecting an assignment during a retreat :) And though I don't do a great job with consistency, I am able to remind myself that "my daddy loves me." This I will be saying until I believe it, this I will believe until eternity's over :)

Kairos- fullness of time. The Moment: When the Lord breaks your daily routine- thinking, doing, saying- to show you something different.

Psalm 139

~ Laramie